Information for Family and Friends affected by DV

Who Women Tell

It is well documented that family and friends are often the first people women tell when they experience violence in their relationship. It can be frustrating and painful to witness someone close to you staying with, or returning to, an abusive partner. It is common for family or friends to experience some of the following:

frustration that she won't listen to your suggestions to leave
angry that she continues to put herself and her kids in unsafe situations
have difficulty believing that her partner seems capable of the abuse she is disclosing
disappointed in your family member or friend who is abusive
feel like you shouldn't bother anymore, or that you want to withdraw your support due to your frustrations.

Why do Women Stay?

Leaving an intimate relationship is always complex. When violence is present in a relationship, it often makes the process even more complex. This is in contrast to the fact that many people believe this would make the decision clearer. Women often feel ashamed and embarrassed that they have ended up in a relationship that has become violent. Many women find it difficult to admit that their relationship has become abusive. It is rare that a relationship starts with abusive behaviour. Women are often shocked that what they thought was a happy relationship, could change so quickly. It is common for women to become hopeful that their partners behaviour will return to how things were at the beginning of the relationship.

Women who have experienced domestic violence often highlight that the emotional abuse they experienced was much harder to heal than the physical or sexual violence. Just remember that abusive partners can be good at making it difficult for her to see family and friends. This is called social abuse. Often they can become very possessive and jealous, and relationships with family members or friends may suffer. Financial abuse is common in abusive relationships. Some women are refused input over the family budget, including money she has earnt, so saving money to leave the relationship and establish a new home, or travel to somewhere safe, may not feel like an option.

Part of the experience of violence is that women's self esteem is considerably reduced due to fear, dependence and constant criticism. For this reason, victims of abuse are made to feel worthless, that no-one would be interested in helping them or that they have no where to go.

What to do

If someone you know is in an abusive relationship it is important to be aware of how you are feeling when you talk to them about it. It's pretty normal to feel frustrated that they do not leave, but allowing that to show and demanding she leave can be unhelpful. It is important that you:

listen without judgment
Allow the person to talk freely
Remember that they are the expert of their feelings
Understand the cycle of violence. Abusive partners are not always abusive - the cycle of violence is such that there may be times when the perpetrator may experience feelings of remorse due to his abusive behaviour. As a result, he may shower his partner with gifts or affection which reminds her of the happy times.
Familiarise yourself with the different types of abuse, and point out to her some of the types of abuse you think she may be experiencing.
Ask whether there are times when she feels unsafe as a result of the abuse, and brainstorm actions to take when these things happen, in order to keep her safe. See below for more detail on safety planning.
If she has kids, remind her that they too are impacted by the violence simply by being present when it happens. Determine whether the children's safety is at risk, and work out ways to ensure they are safe when any violence occurs.
Call the Women's Shelter Outreach Worker and talk to her about some ideas on how you can help your friend or family member (08) 8952 6048.

Safety Planning

Safety planning is an important component of working with women who experience violence in the home. The first few months after leaving an abusive relationship can be the most dangerous time for a woman. We understand that for many complicated reasons, women often return to abusive relationships. Therefore, we encourage women to brainstorm ideas to pre-empt the violence before it occurs, and take steps to protect her safety, and that of her children. Safety plans are individual, and are based on the resources that women have available to them. For some women, their husband drinking is a sign that violence may follow. Their safety plan might be to contact a Women's Shelter and stay for a short time until they feel safe to return.

Safety planning is about being aware of the perpetrators behaviours that might suggest that violence is imminent, and can involve some, or all of the following:

having someone or somewhere to go when she is feeling scared for herself or her children - this could be a friend, a neighbour, a Women's Shelter or a nearby park.
getting a Restraining Order - There are different types of Restraining Orders available, including an RO for women who do want contact with their partners, except for in certain situations (if, for example, he has been drinking).
Having a Safe Room within the house where a woman can safely lock herself & her children - this should have a solid wooden door, security screens on the windows, and access to the phone for calling Police. Territory Housing residents can apply to have a room secured, at no cost.
speaking to a neighbour about confidentially calling the Police if they hear the couple fighting

The way you respond when a woman discloses abuse in her relationship is very important to her. Families will sometimes see this as rejection and feel frustrated. Please remember that when she feels safe enough or confident enough to leave she will need your support. Be there for her. We understand that it is hard for you too. Support each other through this, and get support from services such as the Women's Shelter for ideas, on: (08) 8952 6075 or ws@asws.org.au